From Good to Bad to What in the ! is that!
by NinjaQuail
Summary: First the gang decides to have a trip to the park. They meet Drake, a fanboy from the future, and everyone soon knows that life is one big turd after another.
1. Intro to Insanity

It was a bit of a cloudy for a day at a theme park, but when you trusted your archenemy to plan you and your friend's vacation, well, you gotta hope for the best. Link quickly noted that Gannondorf had deliberately distracted him so they would crash their car into a tree. Unknown to Link, was that Gannondorf had previously held a knife at Malon's neck, but when he realized Link was inside paying for gas and couldn't see Malon trying to squirm away, he just put her back in the car. Link came back completely clueless cursing the Arabs and their gasoline monopoly, his wallet much lighter. As the group walked to the park gates, Link put on his Golden Gauntlets and punched Gannon in the shoulder, just for fun.  
They approached the gate, but Link didn't have any money (Blame the Arabs.). "Malon, have any money?"  
"No, I don't know what happened to it," was her hopeless reply.  
"How about you, Gannon?"  
"Yeah, sure, here!" Gannon reached into his pockets, and whispered into Link's ear, "I stole it from Malon."  
Link punched him in the nose (Which is a very big target) and took the money. He frowned, "It's still not enough.Oh! Wait, Zelda! Ruto! Have any cash?"  
They completely ignored him. He tried their 'Other' names, "Oh, most highest and most esteemed Princesses of Hyrule who are greatest in their generosity and," Link swallowed, "and, uh, beauty? Can we borrow your money that you will so generously provide?"  
"Yes, like sure, Link," said Zelda, sounding just as dim-witted as ever, handing Link a money bag bigger than Gannondorf's nose.  
"This is more than enough," Link whispered, pocketing the change.  
This whole business of calling Zelda and Ruto "The most highest and most esteemed Princesses of Hyrule who are greatest in their generosity and beauty" started last summer. Gannon was holding Zelda hostage (as he normally did), but this time, it was because all the toilet paper in Hyrule was missing and Gannon couldn't hold it any longer. People can get very desperate when they can't wipe their ass and well, he took Zelda hostage until Link could discover more toilet paper. Of course, Link was getting tired of rescuing this particularly stupid princess, so he found some toilet paper for himself and left it at that. Even if Gannon had got the new toilet paper, he would have kept some for himself, and then sold the rest (Via telephone!) to the other, very desperate citizens of Hyrule, and it'd be gone soon enough. Anywho, back to the park:  
Link handed the man at the gate a fat wad of bills. He was a geeky looking teen with acne and glasses. "Thank you sir, it took you long enough." He peered out the gate window, first at Link's tunic, then Gannon's, uh, armor/clothes, then at Malon's normal looking dress, then at Zelda, then, finally, at Ruto. "I'm sorry sir, but she's violating the dress code here at Bushy Gardens. She needs to wear clothes to get in."  
Link explained, "Oh, that's a, a, it's a costume! Yeah, she's training, to, uh, be a mascot? Maybe?"  
An unfamiliar voice whispered in Link's ear, "So you want her to go in naked? You sure about that?"  
"NO!" Link quickly shouted, "No, uh, do you have any extra clothes she can borrow?"  
"Park policy says extras must be kept at each gate for these kind of occasions, sir!" he replied, handing over a red shirt and blue overalls.  
Ruto felt overly proud of herself to wear clothes, even if she looked like an evil mutant plumber with them on. Link looked around for the voice he heard. "Psst! Link! Over here, by Malon!" it said again.  
"Malon, did you hear something?"  
"Yes, but what is it?"  
"Oh! Wait!" it shouted, "My bad! Sorry, just a sec."  
Right then a figure slowly appeared next to Malon. It was a teenage boy, same age as Link, and looked almost like Link but with straight brown hair and green eyes. He wore a black T-shirt that said "Zelda 64", a black baseball cap that had a Weird looking 'G' with the words "Nintendo Gamecube" under it, and a black backpack with "Nintendo" on all the zippers, and finally army green cargo pants.  
The apparition was expected to say, 'I'm a ghost,' or maybe, 'You're going to die,' but no, it had to say, "Hi, my name's Drake. I'm from the future."  
That was the breaking point. Link surged forward and slashed Drake right across the face. It didn't do anything. He tried again. Nothing.  
The geeky teen at the gate shouted, "Hey, mister, no weapons allowed. I'll call security!"  
"Oh, er, its just a prop!"  
"Okay sir, you go ahead."  
"Normally, I'd say 'ow.' But I'm from the future, so I don't exist yet. You can't hurt me. The only thing you can do is look at me. So go ahead. Look."  
"We just did, moron, and why do you have her name on your shirt?" Malon said, pointing to Zelda. There was just something about a boy that looked like Link having preferences to Zelda and not to her that bugged her. She knew it was jealousy, but she couldn't help it.  
"Oh, that. It's a future thing. They make a video-game out of you guys a thousand years from now. See, I'm from the future, and you guys make one awesome game. Too bad it's called 'Legend of Zelda' instead of 'Legend of Link.'"  
Everyone stared at him confused. "We won't ask."  
"Good, 'cuz I won't explain. Where is that sword stealin,' ocarina stealin,' prat of a princess anyway?"  
That was enough proof for Malon that Drake was an okay guy. "She's over there."  
Drake glared at her like a demon from the netherworld. He took out a breadcrumb and threw it at her dress.  
"NO!" Zelda screamed. "Guys, we like, totally need to get to a bathroom, so I can like, change my clothes, because like, this idiot like ruined my dress. Like, please?"  
"I didn't get a word of that. Malon, translate?" Link asked.  
Malon sighed. "She wants to find a bathroom so she can change her clothes."  
"Should we?"  
"No, just let that breadcrumb bother her," Malon said with a great deal of pleasure and malice. 


	2. Weird

It didn't take very long to learn the true nature of Drake. Sure, he could be nice if he needed to be, but apart from that he was just another younger sibling. Popping up in front of Link's or Malon's faces, pleading for money to get cotton candy or soda or to go on a certain ride or to go this way instead of that way, or an infinite amount of other things. Or he'd turn invisible and start punching Gannon or Zelda or Ruto in the face. Gannon would say "I'll crush you like a bug!" flailing his arms. Zelda would cover her face like a wussie and scream "If you don't stop like right now, I'm so totally going to get my dad! And my dad is like, a king!" Then Ruto would completely ignore Drake's barrage of fists, moronically shouting "I'M A FISH!" at random times.  
They finally got to the coaster section. Bushy Gardens has about twenty coasters all in one area, so close that they intertwine and mingle in ways that shouldn't be safe. There were five big monsters standing out from the roller coasters around them. A wooden one, a hang down, a stand up, lay down, and normal steel coaster were advertised as 'the meanest coasters in the world.'  
"Ooh! Ooh! This one! Lets go on this one!"  
"No, Drake, that's a concession stand," Link sighed. He felt like he was handling a younger brother. "And that's a bathroom."  
"This bathroom, you say? Is it intense?" Drake questioned 3 inches from Link's face.  
"Yes, Drake. Besides, even if you wanted to ride it, we can't, because there's a girls line and boys line, see?"  
Drake looked disappointed. "Oh well. My aim isn't even that good anyway."  
Malon stopped dead. "I did not need to hear that Drake!"  
"Which is exactly why I did it, Malon."  
Eventually they decided to ride the wooden one first. It was called 'Sanity's End' for very good reason. They were in line, when a most peculiar thing happened. Link was watching the people who got on the ride and comparing them to the people getting off. The people getting on were happy, and blissfully ignorant. The other people were green and pale and dead-ish. That's when 'it' happened. Link was watching the people getting off when he saw a very strange face.  
"OH MY GOD I'M A MIDGET!" He shouted as loud as he could.  
Drake appeared next to him, "I want to see the midget!"  
Malon and Zelda and Gannon and Ruto looked too. "WHAT IN THE GODS' NAMES ARE THOSE!" Malon and Zelda shrieked.  
"NO!" Drake exclaimed. "It can't be! IT'S THE WIND WAKER CHARACTERS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
He stopped for a breath. "NOOOOOOOOO!"  
"Its okay Drake!" Malon said, desperate to shut him up. "They're just deformed short people! ITS FRIGGIN' OKAY!"  
Link looked at himself. "I'm short."  
"I'm tall," was his reply.  
Big Link said, "I'm a cartoon character. Yay?"  
Small Link said, "I'm a real boy! Dreams do come true!"  
The two Gannons were glaring at each other. "I'm fat."  
The Wind Waker Gannon retorted, "Which is your entire fault."  
"I'm in a kimono!"  
"I'm in armor!"  
"Holy $hit! My nose got bigger!"  
Malon whistled admiringly, "Damn! I didn't think that was possible."  
Ruto and Medli were also locked onto each other.  
"I grow a beak?"  
"I used to have scales?"  
"That's disgusting!" they both said in unison.  
The biggest shock then came. An annoying shaking noise came from nowhere. Then, suddenly, it happened. A wooden bulb, with a leaf for a face, popped up on WW's Link's head.  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!" everyone from Ocarina of Time said.  
Drake stood between the two groups. "Much fear I sense in you yes? Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to poor programming. Poor programming leads to bad sales at launch."  
"The hell?"  
"Let's just turn around," Drake sighed, making twirly movements with his fingers, "and walk away. Just walk away."  
Nothing happened. Drake was getting frustrated. "Use your neural pathways to instruct your feet to move! Use your legs as a form of locomotion. Left-foot, right-foot, people! Get your butts in gear and move it retards!"  
He ran out of breath and they moved.  
"That," Gannon stated, "was odd."  
"Whoa! Lemme get this straight," Link shouted, "I turn into a dwarf, Malon doesn't exist, Saria turns into a wooden.er.thing, all the Gorons die, Gannon gains some pounds, and Zoras turn into bird people? That's wrong. That's just wrong."  
Drake shot back, "Hey man, the future sucks. Look at me! A loner teen with digital friends, who sits in front of either the TV or the computer all day. At least I'm happy."  
"Jesus you're a loser."  
While they were meeting themselves, the rollercoaster line had moved all the way up and they were holding everybody up. Someone tapped Zelda on the shoulder. "Listen here you little bitch! We've been waiting patiently for you freaks, but now will you please move your lazy as hell ass now!"  
Maybe they were pissed. Maybe the sight of a transparent Drake scared them. Whatever it was, the gang got a whole train to themselves. Which was fine, until they reached the crest of the first drop. Right before they experienced the thrill of the drop, something very, um, unusual happened. The train was transported into an alternate universe. Everything was purple. Everything. It seemed as if they were just hanging in purple.  
"Uhhhh. Oakie-day."  
"Where the hell are we?"  
"I'm scared."  
"I'M A FISH!"  
"Have I ever told you how I traveled through time?"  
"Do we want to know, Drake?"  
"Probably not, which is exactly why I'll tell you. In my hometown, there is a portal. That portal leads to a gianticly hugely titanicly big room. It the room is billions of other portals. For every thought you ever had, every dream, an alternate universe is created, just for that one thought, and a new portal is added to this room. The only problem is, they're not labeled, so its a lot like walking into a giant turd."  
"Drake, what are you smoking?"  
"No, really! Its like walking into a giant turd because you don't know what's in it, and most of the time you don't want to know."  
"Really Drake?" Link mused, "I'd believe you. If only it wasn't the biggest pile of made up crap I've ever heard."  
Just then a gigantic Spork loomed ominously in the skies, and impaled an equally gigantic crayon. The crayon began to spew giant macaroni from where it had been spiked.  
"I stand corrected," Link sighed. "Now get us the hell out of here." 


	3. When the going gets wierd, the weird get...

It's not that Malon hated purple. She just didn't like it either. It was too princess-ish. It got especially bad when the gigantic crayon started raining pasta on their heads. She also knew it wasn't Drake's fault they had fallen into an alternate universe, but sometimes it's just so easy to blame people, ya know? Hey, life sucks, just live with it!  
She called out, "Drake, how do you get out of here?"  
"You find the portal," he said, like it was perfectly normal to be stuck in a purple world looking for a portal. "But the bad thing is -"  
"There's a bad thing?"  
"Oh yeah, always a bad thing. The bad thing is that the portal is purple."  
"Drake," Link hissed, "this whole damn place is PURPLE!"  
"I know. We can't see it. That's the bad thing."  
"We're doomed."  
Gannon was staring in awe at the battle between the spork and the crayon. "I SHALL HARNESS THIS UNIVERSE'S POWERS TO CONQUER HYRULE!"  
"With a spork.Riiiiiiight."  
"That's enough cuckoo-time for me," Drake murmured and stepped out of the train. He was standing in the purple. It was like one of those screens where everything is white except for the characters in it. He then started to walk in three dimensions, in loops and corkscrews like it was perfectly normal.  
"Hey, I want to walk crazy too!" Ruto exclaimed. She got off the train and fell. Drake's head turned and watched her go down till she disappeared.  
"What did you do to her?!" Zelda screamed.  
Drake pointed to his watch. "Now."  
Sure enough, if you looked up, you'd see a blue spec screaming its way down. Ruto fell past the train again, hit the bottom, and started to fall from the top once more. After about 3 cycles of this, Drake walked up, grabbed Ruto's arm when she came by.  
"You're a fish," he said.  
He let go and she staid put.  
"Now you people," he tapped Malon on the shoulder, "You spend your spare time talking to cows."  
He tapped Link. "People will start wars over who they think you like."  
He tapped Zelda. "You're a whore."  
He tapped Gannon. "You miss your teddy bear."  
They all stepped off and didn't fall. They all looked at Drake puzzled.  
"I do miss Mr. Fuzzykins *sob*"  
"I don't even know who I like."  
"I talk to horses, not cows."  
"How does he know what my night job is.?"  
"EEEWWW! You really are a slut? I was just guessing!"  
"I'M A FISH!"  
"Yes you are, Ruto, now shut up."  
"You know what I've noticed," Zelda said.  
"You think?! I HAD NO IDEA, ZELDA!" Malon shouted.  
"Shut it, farm girl! I've noticed, that this is a good color."  
"Just don't talk till you're dead," Link said while standing upside down.  
Drake was tapping his foot on nothing, thinking how to get out. "Do you want to know what I think?"  
"Will it result in our death or a significant loss of IQ?"  
"Maybe not this time. I say we climb onto the Spork. All kinds of crap drift in-between universes. How else do you explain 99 cent stores, solar flashlights, and Zoras? Huh? I don't hear any other solutions so I'm going to the Spork."  
He started to walk straight up towards the Spork. After pushing many pasta pieces out of the way he situated himself comfortably in the bowl of the utensil. "You laggards coming?"  
Everyone else reluctantly followed. As all of them sat down in the huge bowl of the huge utensil, nothing happened.  
"Oh, great. All the way into this spork and it just sits here and doesn't do anything."  
"Just a sec," Drake whispered, "Water bottles plan to rule the world with the help of their allies, the paperclips, and the scissors. But the remaining office supplies will make a valiant stand to save the cubicle!"  
"What the hell are you smoking, Drake?"  
The spork lurched forward. Drake laughed, "Just spit out garbage, and lies, it helps!"  
Link tried, "Uhhhh.ummm.er. Yeah."  
Then Malon, "I uh, I talk to horses?"  
It moved a millimeter. Now it was Zelda's turn, and she was prepared. "I'm a virgin."  
That worked. The eating apparatus surged forward; Drake found he had moved 15 feet from where he was last. It stayed at a steady cruising speed of about 75 miles an hour. "My god, Zelda, you're not even 18 yet. Jezus!"  
It wasn't too long before the spork transported them to a new world. It was jungle, with huge futuristic cities in the background. There was a battalion of Marines fighting aliens below them. The hostilities ended as both sides paused to look at the huge utensil in the skies.  
"Can we get off yet?"  
"Not yet, Malon. This universe has gravity," Drake replied.  
"Lets use Ruto and Zelda as cushions."  
"I concur."  
They threw the two princesses over the side. Before they jumped, Drake reminded them. "Make sure to land on them, we threw them over for a reason."  
They all landed perfectly on Ruto and Zelda, and got up without a scratch. The princesses, however. A human soldier clad in olive green armor burst through the brush and began shooting the short aliens into Swiss cheese. Drake waved, "Hey MasterChief!"  
He ceased firing and waved back, "Yo, Drake! Whazzup?"  
"Nothin' much," Drake turned to the Zelda gang, "If I remember right..This portal is right..here!"  
He pulled back a tree branch to reveal a swirling purple hole. "Ladies last!" he shouted as he jumped through.  
"Get back here you little parasite!" Gannon called as he went stepped through.  
What was on the other side amazed and astounded all of them. Except Drake. He was perfectly used to it. "So this is the giant room."  
"Yes it is," said Drake, "but the amazing thing is, even though it leads to trillions and billions of other worlds, it is unbelievably boring. There are no labels, so you can't know what you're about to do. But I've named all the really bad ones, like those three over there."  
He pointed to three portals in a neat line. "Those three. The first one is Gay porn land. The second one is normal porn land. The third is Lesbian porn land."  
"Ooh! Let's go there!" Zelda screamed. Everyone glared at her. "Or not."  
"In that one, the Power Rangers are real."  
"Ugh."  
"Yeah, I know. In this one, there is nothing but children's television."  
Gannon exclaimed, "Dreams do come true! I'm going!"  
"That is a sad, strange little man."  
"C'mon, gang; let's get him out of there!" Drake called.  
"Why? Let him stay in his childish little dream world," Link retorted.  
"Think about it!" Drake hissed, "Without him, he can't kidnap Zelda or take over Hyrule. That puts you both out of a job! And since I'm a fan- boy, I'll have nothing to be obsessed with!"  
"LET'S GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Link shouted.  
They all passed through the portal. All mannerisms of horrors met them on the other side. There was an animated world before them. There was hideous singing in the background. Then a girl with an oval head popped out from behind a tree and said, "Doot do doot do doot Dora! Doot do doot do doot Dora! Doot do doot do doot Dora! Dora the explorer!"  
"AAAGGHHH!"  
"NOOOOOOOOO! DORA!!!!!!"  
"MEDIC! I NEED A MEDIC!"  
"MY EYES!"  
  
What will become of the gang now they've been exposed to children's television? Will they risk the perilous journey to Gannon? Why doesn't the narrator speak more often? Find out in the next chapter of "A day at the park!!!!"  
Well, maybe.. 


	4. A Hard Day's 30 Minutes

Disclaimer: I do not own any licensed material described in my stories  
  
Last time in A day at the park: "Doot do doot do doot Dora! Doot do doot do doot Dora! Doot do doot do doot Dora! Dora the explorer!"  
"AAAGGHHH!"  
"NOOOOOOOOO! DORA!!!!!!"  
"MEDIC! I NEED A MEDIC!"  
"MY EYES!"  
  
"Get that munchkin away from me!" Drake yelped, staring fearfully at the cartoon character in front of him.  
"I'm not touching that."  
"I think she's cute."  
Link strapped on the golden gauntlets and hit Zelda in the arm. She flew. Flew right out the scene. "Whoops. Is she dead?"  
"Sadly, this is the world of children's television, and no one dies. It's sick, completely sick."  
"Well I guess we need to save her, just to keep my job."  
"Why Link, what has she ever done for you?" Malon sighed.  
"Dunno, gave me a job, I guess."  
They began their trek through Nick Jr. Drake was extremely twitchy throughout the whole thing. Once a cute little birdie came out of a cute little tree to feed its cute little hatchlings a cute little worm in their cute little nest. That one cute little act was Drake's last straw. He went completely insane. He screamed for a straight 8 minutes, until Malon pitied him so much she tried to comfort him by hugging him. That shut him up (the fact that he was muffled against Malon's breasts had nothing to do with anything!).  
It became apparent that they were leaving the bounds of Nick Jr. The terrain was changing from cartoony to a more realistic landscape. There was Zelda, hanging from a tree in across the divide. "C'mon, we might as well get her down."  
"NO!" Drake stated, standing on the Nick Jr. side of the line. "Not until I know what TV program I'm stepping in."  
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"  
Distant singing: "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family."  
Drake stood there, eyes wide and twitching, bone white, and stiff as a board. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he ran himself into the tree Zelda is stuck in.  
Zelda thumps onto the ground. Everyone is bent over looking at Drake's face, which is still twitchy. "Poor guy. He never stood a chance."  
"I'm not hugging him again. I know what he tried to do last time."  
"Zelda, did you see Gannon anywhere in your trip?" Ruto asked.  
"Wow Ruto! That's the most intelligible thing you've ever said!"  
Drake woke up. "Soak it up, ladies and gentlemen, cuz that's the only intelligible thing she'll ever say."  
"Well, actually Drake," Zelda implied, "I did see Gannon. He's over in the Blue's Clues Area."  
"Damn. I'll go, but I'm not looking at any more birds." Drake stared at Malon's midsection. "Unless-"  
"No, Drake," Malon sternly replied.  
  
It had been a hard day's 30 minute trek through Blue's world. Drake saw a mailbox attempt to give him a package. He quickly took out a mallet and laid down some 3D whoop@$$ on its two-dimensional butt. Then they walked in on Gannon.  
"Dear god it's hideous!"  
"Snap out of it man!"  
Gannon was wearing a flowered dress and a straw sunhat. Blue, Steve, Salt&Pepper, Dora, and Boots were all at a picnic table around him. He was pouring tea for Dora and handing a plate of cookies to Steve. Gannondorf looked up at the gang. "Oh! Lookie! Guests. Pardon me for my rudeness, come, have a seat."  
"We'd rather not. Why are you doing this?"  
Gannon looked on the verge of tears. "I never had a normal childhood, man! As soon as I was born I was pampered and cared for, I never got to learn anything for myself! You know how I was the only man in a hundred years! Those Gerudo women are sex-crazed sluts! As soon as I hit puberty they f*cked the life out of me! They couldn't get enough, they just kept coming and coming and they wouldn't leave me alone! All I wanted to do was have a tea party! But no, they had to be horny all the time. It's not fair!"  
Gannon quickly broke into tears.  
After about a minute, Drake spoke out, "That's a full minute of my life I'd like to have back."  
"Were there orgies?" Zelda asked.  
"Oh all the time! 15 to 20 of them, everywhere, trying to get at me!"  
"Oh," Zelda said, breathing quickly and reaching in between her legs. She grabbed Ruto and pulled her into a nearby shed. "We need to be alone!"  
"Ewwwwww."  
"Damn Gannon, you went and turned her on. Well, I'm leaving."  
Link grabbed Gannon and dragged him to the portal. Drake and Malon followed just as weird noises were coming out of the shed.  
"Should we just leave them behind?" Malon asked, when they got to the main portal room.  
"Why the hell not, what've they ever done for us?"  
A commanding voice came from the heavens. It said, "Just to make the story more interesting, I'm dumping you guys with the princesses again."  
"NO! And who the heck are you?"  
"I'm the author. Don't mess with me."  
Ruto and Zelda suddenly appeared next to them. "Toodles!" the author called.  
"Have fun?" Gannon asked.  
"Oh yes," Zelda mused. She walked over to Link and stroked his chest. "I would've taken you, honey, but Ruto is so much easier to manipulate."  
"Fish?" Ruto called.  
Link gaped in horror. Zelda leaned closer to him and whispered, "I'd have taken Malon too!"  
"Author dude!" Link shouted, "HEY! Author dude! Get back here!"  
"Yes?"  
"Can you take Zelda away now that she's freaked out every one of us systematically?"  
"Very well. But I'll have to replace her with someone. Let me think for a minute."  
Zelda disappeared and was replaced by Saria.  
"Are you happy now?" the Author questioned, "Don't bother me till tomorrow cuz' I promised Mom I'd cook today."  
"Wow. The author's mom," Drake whistled appreciatively.  
"Can a more powerful force exist?"  
"I'm sorry to interrupt your little philosophical interlude," Saria interjected, "But I'd like to know what just happened. And who the hell he is he!?"  
Drake smiled at her. "Hi, I'm Drake. I'm from the future."  
"Right. Link. Who is he, really?"  
"He just told you Saria. He's Drake. He's from the future."  
The Kokiri girl glared at him. "That doesn't help, elf boy."  
"I know. But that's all he told us too. He's kinda like Mido, just not gay or short or weak or retarded."  
"So he's not like Mido at all?"  
"Uh. Um. I guess not."  
"If you people don't mind, I'm going to find the portal that leads back the park that Gannon stole money from me to get in," Malon stated, before marching off.  
"You went to a park and didn't invite me?" Saria asked.  
"We invited you, but you said you were too sagely to come along."  
Saria hit herself on the forehead. "Why would I be so stupid."  
"I think you were pissed I lost your ocarina," Link suggested.  
"YOU WHAT?!!!" she exploded.  
"Whoops? Sorry. Maybe? PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"  
Saria conjured up some sage magic and turned Link into a Deku shrub. Link looked down at himself. "Dammit not again!"  
"Hey guys! I think I found it!" Malon called and jumped through the portal.  
"What's she talking ab-" Saria started before Drake pulled her through.  
The portal lead to a locker room. One of the doors were open and had an Asian girl in a black bikini on it. Someone sneezed. Drake chuckled quietly as he snuck up to a locker and opened it. A middle aged man with a mullet shot him in the head with an M9. The bullet went straight through Drake's transparent head. "Whoa! Slow down Snake, I'm an ally!"  
"Oh! Jesus Drake you scared the shit outta me!" said the figure Drake called 'Snake.'  
"Oh! My! God!" Saria shrieked. "Where the f*ck are we?!"  
  
"Saria cussing?" Malon probed, *hums X-Files music*  
Drake turned a valve on a door until it opened. The portal was on the other side. "BRING IT ON, HUMAN IMAGINATION!"  
As everyone passed through, they found themselves in the same train they were on before the whole portal crisis. Link found that the safety restraints no longer fit his wooden body. "Ahem!"  
Saria glanced at him. "OH! Sorry Link." *Zap* Link is all better.  
"Thank you," Link replied. "All in all, I think this vacation was okay."  
They went into a loop in the coaster and got stuck in the middle. Drake stared dully towards the ground. "I hate you Link." 


	5. The Homeward Trek

Drake gave a slight laugh. He was trying very hard not to laugh. They were stuck in the middle of the loop on a rollercoaster. While his comrades, the Z-gang, desperately tried to stop their heads exploding from hanging upside down too long, he, not yet existing, began to poke vigorously at Ruto's head. He had resolved to not stop until it popped. He poked it especially hard once, and blue blood began to shoot out the side of the fish-girls head. "EEWWW!" he shouted like seven-year-old with the cooties, wiping the blood on Malon's skirt. The ranch girl's normally beautiful face was now swollen and purple, and due to Drake, angry now too!  
"Lets..Keep. Together! Peo..ple! WORK WITH ME!" Link sputtered, trying to curl his head up to stem the blood flow. "Make rope! Human.rope!"  
"Dude," Drake chided, "It sounds like your constipated, but okay."  
Gannon was at the top, holding on to the track above him. Link grabbed onto his legs. Malon grabbed onto Link's. Drake grabbed onto Malon's. The breeze was blowing Malon's dress lightly. "Drake," she hissed, "If you look up, I'll kill you. I don't care if you exist or not, if you look up, I'll kill you!"  
Drake had his eyes shut tight when Saria took hold of his ankles. He was quickly saying the same thing over and over. "Temptation is a sin. Temptation is a sin," he cracked open one of his eyes, and looked up just a tiny bit. He then shut his eyes tight and looked at the ground. "Temptation is a sin. Temptation is a sin."  
When Ruto completed the chain, they had a human rope from the top of the loop to the ground. Ruto and Saria jumped off, but Drake was too busy denying temptation to realize that he could've easily made the fall. Malon was too high up to make it. "Great idea Link!" she shouted. "Make a human chain..Then just sit there all day!"  
"You're pretty pi$sy today, aren't you?" Link shot back.  
"Malon," Drake began, stare planted firmly on the ground. "Would it be by any chance that time of the month again?"  
That was death sentence. "HOW DARE YOU!" the redhead screeched, "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! LET GO OF MY LEGS RIGHT NOW DRAKE! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?! YOU COULD HAVE MADE THE FALL, YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST YET! GET OFF OF ME!"  
She shook violently enough that Drake eventually fell. He fell right into Saria. Her body went limp for a minute, her eyes rolled back into her head. A second later they came out, but were strangely like Drake's. She held up her hands in front of her face and spoke with Drake's voice. "I've possessed Saria! Tight!"  
Drake ran Saria headfirst into a support beam. His transparent image smashed out of her head as it impacted the steel. "Well, that was odd." He said, leaving Saria's limp body unconscious behind him.  
The condition was no better than up in the loop.  
"Oh! That's what's under your tunic, eh Link?" Malon said with a hint of mischief, looking up for the first time.  
"What?! Malon! No! Look down! I'm shy about this!"  
Malon smiled broader. "It doesn't look like you should be shy about it Link."  
"LOOK DOWN! You sound like Zelda the first time I met her."  
"Link, you were ten when you first met her."  
"I know."  
"Eeewwww."  
A strange looking crow came by. It hovered hear Gannon's head and said, "Hi. It's me, Drake. Just wanted you to know I can possess things. Ok, bye!"  
"Hey! Doofus! Help us!"  
Drake flew onto the coaster track and exited the crow's body. He walked up into the loop and then went monkey-bar style when it got to steep into the curve. He took a quick minute for calculations and jumped into Malon's body. There was a rush of images and emotions as he tried to suppress her free will. It was hard. Finally, Drake managed to push her personality into a little corner of her mind, while he was free to do what he pleased. "I'm sorry Malon," he said. "But I have to."  
Drake! Get out of my head! NOW! I can get down by myself, now get out! Malon protested. "Aw, c'mon, you're just saying that, you know you need my help," Drake shot back. He moved part of Malon's dress away with her free hand and looked down at her chest. "Whoa Malon, they're bigger than I thought they were." Drake! I swear to the 3 goddesses that I will kill you! I will not let you do that to me! Malon's personality pushed out of its corner to try to reclaim its body, but no use. Drake knew he couldn't keep Malon's will at bay for long, so he let go of Link's legs and fell. The impact knocked Drake out of Malon. She came out without a scratch, surprisingly. "Hey, I could've made the fall," Malon said, enjoying having her freedom back. "But what about Link?" Link rummaged through his pockets with his free hand. He found something that could help. It was Farore's Wind. He did the little chant and the little dance, then transported Gannon and himself to the ground. Malon was glaring at him. She exploded, "YOU COULD'VE TRANSPORTED ME DOWN THIS WHOLE TIME?! DRAKE GOT A FREE LOOK AT MY.MIDSECTION! ALL BECAUSE YOU FORGOT YOU HAD SOME MAGIC?!" Link was backing away, his eyes darting around for an escape. He was pretending to whistle the tune to "It's a Small World." Malon was on the warpath. She was on a slow'n'steady march to Link, gritting her teeth in rage. Drake watched with a great deal of amusement before saying, "It's definitely that time of the month." "Jerk," Saria remarked, waking from her coma. She walked over to Malon, and with a great deal of courage, grabbed her arm and whispered something in her ear. Malon stopped her rampage and relaxed a little. "I'm sorry Link," Malon started, "I know it isn't your fault. IT'S DRAKE'S!" She turned to look for him, but Drake had run off while chasing a grasshopper and was out of her sight. "When I find that boy, he is so dead." Link took a long breath of relief, knowing that Malon's fury had subsided. "Look its getting dark, lets just go back home. I'm sure Drake can find us." All the other people present agreed. They trudged off, single file, towards the exit. It was surprisingly quiet, the only comments referring to the hobos that were now flocking to the sidewalk now that is was getting dark. Saria was growing steadily uneasy with the thought of hobos looking had her. She had the oddest feeling that they were going to butt-rape her for her shoes. Unfortunately, her fear asserted itself. Not long after the thought occurred, a rather scraggly and rancid hobo jumped on her back and began to move in a very suggesting way. "OH MY GOD! THERE'S A HOBO AND ITS GOING TO KILL ME! HELP! SOMEBODY! HELP!" She screamed. "Why just use your sagely powers?" inquired Gannon, quite content knowing that one the sages that sent him to the void was now being butt-raped. "Because," Saria shrieked, trying to buck the intruder off her back, "Butt- raping hobos fall under the Spirit Sage's powers! Moron!" "Oh, why me?" Link asked while he put on his gauntlets and punched the hobo. It flied off into the horizon. "You okay, Sari.a?" Link paused because he had heard an odd noise that sounded vaguely familiar. "Malon, did you hear that?" "That really high squeaky thing?" "Yeah, it sounded weasel-like." "But what could it be?" Both characters said in unison, "Drake!" Sure enough, Drake was laughing hysterically behind a bush. "The hobo." he desperately explained before a very angry Z-gang. "It was butt-raping Saria.and it was a hobo." "We know, Drake." Drake quickly saw that he was about to be murdered, so he changed the subject. "I found the grasshopper." He help it up to show them, but it hopped away into the grass. "NOOOO!" Drake dived after the insect. Link sighed and fired an ice arrow in the bug's vicinity. It shattered in an instant. Drake held up the pieces of the grasshopper, "How, how could you? B-b-barbarians! Heathens!" "My god, you're pathetic." "Lets just go home." Within 30 minutes, they were out of the park and back in the van, prepped for the long journey to Hyrule. "Road trip! WooHoo!" Drake shouted. "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer." "Oh dear god! SHUT UP!" 


	6. The Car, the Crime, and the annoying Son...

"98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer. If one fell down and broke on the ground, 9-" Drake stopped singing. An urgent dilemma had diverted him from his song. He just realized the one thing that restricted his singing. "Link, what goes before 98?"  
Link was praying thankfulness that Drake stopped. "Huh? Before 98? Everyone knows that," he stated, with a sarcastic smile. "1 goes before 98."  
"Oh. Alright then. 1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer. If one fell down and broke on the ground." Drake looked around anxiously. Everyone was waiting for the inevitable end of the song. ".96 bottles of beer on the wall."  
"D'oh!" was Links only retort.  
Much of the trip back to Hyrule went in this fashion. Except for the parts that didn't. They happened in a different fashion than the one mentioned above. One such example shows itself as the gang finds a dejected hitchhiker hobo by the side of the road.  
"Ooh!" Saria cried. "A hitchhiker! Let him in! Let him in!"  
"No, Saria. It might be roadside hippie/hobo that will butt-rape us for our shoes," Link explained. "Just cuz we're nice doesn't mean we're stupid."  
Malon bit her lip. "We get plenty of hobos at the ranch. They're not all that bad. I mean look at the guy, he looks like he's been through hell!"  
"He's a hobo, Malon, he's supposed to look like that."  
"Drake, what do you think?"  
"38 bottles of beer of the wall, 38 bottles of beer. If one fell down and broke on the ground, 37 bottles of beer on the wall."  
"Why do I even ask?"  
"C'mon Link, lets pick him up."  
"NO, Saria, remember when that one hobo butt-raped you? Why would you want to pick one up?"  
"No no no, Link," corrected Saria. "That was a freaky scrub-hiding amusement park beggar hobo. This is a freaky highway-hiding tarmac hippie hobo. Those are the nice kind."  
"What the hell? 'Freaky scrub-hiding amusement park beggar hobo'? 'Freaky highway-hiding tarmac hippie hobo'? What's the difference?"  
"One hangs out at amusement parks, one hangs out near roads. Simple, really."  
"Oh for the love of God! Shut up!"  
"Just let him in. He's just a hobo!"  
"I will never give in to your ways! No hobo is setting its shoeless feet in my rented Volkswagen van!" Link stated proudly before the engine died. It sputtered to a halt next to the hobo. "None of you will speak of my loss this day, correct? CUZ IF YOU DO, THEN YOU'RE GETTIN' COLD STEEL THROUGH YOUR HEART!"  
"Either way Link, you're gonna have to let it in."  
"Fine, but if I can get the engine going again, he's out."  
Saria reached for the handle. She pulled it open and the hobo surged forward into the vehicle. Out of instinct, Saria ducked and the hobo fell onto Malon. Link burst out laughing. "I told you! Like 50-bajillion times! And you still didn't listen! That's score 1 for elves and zip for ranchgirls!"  
Malon's viewpoint, however, was dramatically different. In fact, I, the narrator and author, doubts it needs any explanation at all. But for you imbecilic (stupid) people out there, here it goes. Imagine an unknown hippie hobo jumps into your van and begins to butt-rape you. That's what I thought. Malon began to slam her back up against the van wall to squish the hobo of her back. Apparently he was used to rough sex and this only prodded him on.  
Link was laughing. Gannon was hardly breathing with laughter. Saria was having painful flashbacks of her own encounters with the homeless. Drake was the only one left to help. And, ironically, that's who Malon called upon for help. "DRAKE! MOVE YOUR BUTT AND GET THIS THING OFF OF MINE!"  
Drake acknowledged that he at least heard her request by quickening the pace of his song. "7bottlesofbeeronthewall, 7bottlesofbeer, ifoneshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 6bottlesofbeeronthewall!"  
"DRAKE DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP!"  
"6bottlesofbeeronthewall, 6bottlesofbeer, ifoneshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 5bottlesofbeeronthewall!"  
"DRAKE!"  
"5bottlesofbeeronthewall, 5bottlesofbeer, ifonshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 4bottlesofbeeronthewall!"  
"DRAKE! I HOPE YOU GO THROUGH EVERY HELL IMAGINABLE! I'M GETTING DONE UP THE BUTT! HELP ME!" Malon continued to rage in this fashion for another 3 verses.  
"1BOTTLEOFBEERONTHEWALL, 1BOTTLEOFBEER! IFONESHOULDFALLDOWNANDBREAKONTHEGROUND, NOBOTTLESOFBEERONTHEWALL!"  
Drake paused to take a huge pull of air and then took his time in passing out. When he awoke he pulled out a quarter. Immediately the hobo stopped its rampage. It began to sniff the air like a starving dog in search of a meal. It stopped sniffing when it saw Drake's quarter. Then it started to growl. Drake teased, "Ya want it? Do ya? Do ya? Ya big dumb stankin' street dog? Well, go get it!"  
Drake made a fake throw, but the hobo fell for it. It jumped out the window and Saria slammed the door shut. "Gun the engine, Link!"  
The engine stuttered then began to run at an odd pace.  
"I'm sorry but I had to finish the song you see? You're not pregnant, are you?" Drake asked.  
"No Drake, I was butt-raped! Moron! And I appreciate you coming to help at all," Malon said somberly.  
Drake began to inspect the ranchgirl. "Was that some kind of recording? Are you wearin a wire or something? That was your voice but that sure as hell isn't something you'd say!"  
"What? Have I become so heartless that you don't expect any kind reaction from me? Is that it?" she asked in earnest.  
The van went quiet. Link furrowed his brow in thought. Drake sat back in his chair and scratched his head. Saria looked like a vegetable, eyes blank with the effort of thought. Gannon had passed out from laughter from the butt-raping and was now drooling on the floor so he couldn't do much anyway.  
It went like this for quite some time. The odd thing was that Malon sat and waited patiently for an answer. She didn't even talk. This of course defied even more of her character that the rest of the gang was pushed into even deeper thought. After about 2 more hours of this she spoke out. "Umm, I was wondering if I was going to get an answer SOMETIME TODAY?!"  
That jolted everyone into some form of reality. Saria's eyes came back into focus. Drake came to the horrendous conclusion he had actually been thinking, which of course thrust him into more of it. The shout also woke Gannon up. He arose to see Drake thinking, thought it was a dream, and deducted that one more nap couldn't hurt. And Link, well Link finally remembered he was driving and snapped his hands onto the wheel. They all answered after a slight pause, except for Gannon. "Oh, no reason really. Just dozed off for a minute there."  
"That's not really an answer."  
"It isn't? Well, that's strange. Back to the drawing board I guess, eh?"  
They all fazed out again. Malon decided she wouldn't get anything out of them till morning and began to hum a certain song about beer..? 


	7. Home and Dirty Magazines

It's not that the drive was boring. In fact, with such a varied group of people as the Zelda cast, it's probably impossible for the drive to have been boring. It's just that it wasn't _fun _either. Link was more or less dozing off at the wheel, which would've been dangerous if there was a single other car on the road.

There wasn't.

Ganon had contented himself with sleeping, which was good because the likelihood of someone else wanting to talk to him was miniscule. Saria apparently thought this was an appropriate course of action and quickly followed suit. Malon, on the other hand, had found entertainment in observing the other passengers in the vehicle. Ganon was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, cradling a rancid sock in much the same manner a young child holds a stuffed bear…and by the muttering he was doing, Malon deduced that Ganon thought the sock to be one 'Mr. Fuzzykin.'

As amusing as it was to see an evil tyrant sleeping with what he thought to be a stuffed animal, Malon's eyes, in a desperate attempt to find something substantial enough to engage her brain, scanned around the confines of the van. Maybe she'd find an entertaining crossword puzzle jammed under a seat? Or perhaps a peculiar stain whose origin she could speculate? Anything, _anything_, would be better than looking out upon the barren terrain outside the windows.

Or so she thought. Her eyes came to rest, regrettably, on Drake. He was wearing that particular expression of his…that one that couldn't be summed up by silly trivialities like _words_. Unfortunately, I (the author) possess no other medium through which to describe this particular look, so it is with words it must be summed up (understand that what I'm about to say should be taken as an extreme understatement).

If it had to be classified, Drake's expression was a grin. An I-enjoy-every-moment-of-you-hating-me-because-there's-not-a-thing-you-can-do-about-it-because-I-don't-physically-exist-yet-but-if-by-some-extraordinary-twist-of-fate-I-did-I'd-probably-run-and-scream-like-a-girl-to-escape-what-would-undoubtedly-be-your-terrifyingly-destructive-wrath….but-as-no-aforementioned-twist-of-fate-has-yet-occurred-I'll-just-stand-here-and-grin kind of grin. It was a horrifyingly difficult expression to master, and served as both a supreme source of pride for Drake and a source of limitless aggravation and irritation for everyone unfortunate enough to engage in conversation with him.

Malon had to do something,­ _anything_, to wipe that grin off Drake's face. At great personal risk, she decided to start a conversation. "So, Drake," she began rather timidly, "Would you care to share exactly where we're going, or do you even know?"

"Aha. Our destination," he paused, while attempting to look pensive. He failed, looking much more like an idiot, but a charming sort of idiot. Malon found herself smiling, and in panic, she mentally kicked her own ass. "I was thinking, you know, that you guys are pretty cool. I mean, as a LoZ fan, I've been obsessed with you before I ever met you, but now that I have you're all actually a pretty kick-ass group of dudes. And dudetts. I figure I'd treat you guys by bringing you all to my house."

That was an interesting idea. On one hand, it was kind of sweet, to be hospitable enough to admit a gang of relative strangers into one's home. And then again, it was Drake's home…the very bastion of Drake-ness. Scary stuff.

Link, who'd spent quite some time at the wheel by this point, asked the most productive question asked in a very, very long time. "As I'm driving," he said, in a voice so caustic it wiped that indomitable expression off Drake's face, "could I at least know how long it'll take to get there?"

"Ah, well, you won't be driving much longer. We'll be coming up on a rest station, which has a portal, which leads to the main room, which leads to my closet," Drake was obviously expecting some show of gratitude from Link. Instead, he smashed the brakes, waking up all the sleepers. Ganon, who hadn't had a seat-belt, flew out the window flailing like a rag doll.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he bellowed. In his brief experience with these interdimensional portals, they had never once led him into a likeable situation. Run-ins with gigantic sporks, and even worse, these portals had thrust the gang deep into the nightmarish world of children's television. "I though we were DRIVING to your house!"

"Utter nonsense, my house isn't in this dimension," replied Drake, once again sporting a 'grin'. "We're driving to the gas station, then portal jumping to my humble abode."

Link's hands jerked up towards Drake's throat as if to strangle him, but this great rage was held in check by the even greater anguish of Link reminding himself there was nothing he could do to the non-corporeal Drake. Resignedly, Link eased off the brakes. The van chugged along several feet before hitting what sounded like a wet, squishy speed bump. Link peered down out the window and saw what were unmistakably Ganon's feet.

"Malon," he sighed. "Could you please?"

"Right," she replied before opening the door. She hauled Ganon off the road and into the car with the same care and loving attention as a bulldozer prying roadkill off asphalt. She really shouldn't have bothered however; as soon as she returned to her seat Drake pointed at the window towards the gas station.

Mysteriously, the station was several yards _behind _them.

"Does anyone else find that odd?" asked Link. "I swear that wasn't there 2 minutes ago."

"Then I suppose it's a good thing you didn't swear then, eh?" rasped a recently-conscious Ganondorf.

With his hands casually in his pockets, Drake was strolling over to the gas station. Having no where else to go, and no one else's plan to follow, the rest of the gang followed suit, somewhat less casually. The station was of the typical 'middle-of-nowhere' variety, bland but well maintained. But at the register, trying to pay for turkey jerky with little colored gems, was Durania.

"What?" said the gang in confused unison.

Durania turned around, puzzled. Seeing Link, Saria, Malon, and Ganon, however, he smiled brightly and waved. "Hey guys, what're the odds of you being here?"

Link hardly understood why _he _was where he happened to be. "But, Durania…how'd _you_ get here?"

"Funny story," began the large Goron, "I was headed to the commode in my house back in Hyrule, but when I got there, instead of water in the bowl there was this shimmering purple….thing. And so I did the only logical thing one can do when faced with a strange and possibly dangerous object."

"That being…?" inquired Saria, gesturing for Durania to continue.

"I tried to eat it," he answered, taken aback. Apparently he thought that's what everyone did when faced with unfamiliar objects.

"Durania!" Saria snapped. "It was in your toilet!"

"It wasn't touching the bowl," corrected Durania. "Anyway, I lost my footing and fell in. I ended up in this huge, huge room, covered in the purple things. So I randomly chose another to taste, but fell through that one too, and ended up here. I was freaking out at first, but then I saw this turkey jerky…it's only 50 cents."

"Whoa," said Link, trying to soak it all in, "you're toilet's big enough to house a portal big enough for you to fall through?"

Unconsciously, everyone's gaze moved to Durania's large and definitely-there gut, even the Goron's himself. In self defense, he shot back, "Look, I have an eating problem, okay? And I need a toilet that can handle my condition."

"That's pretty gross," stated Ganon, still affectionately clutching the unbelievably nasty sock.

"Well, that's enough lollygagging," chided Drake, in a desperate attempt to change the subject. "Let's show you all that portal."

Drake led them towards the restrooms, coming to an abrupt halt in front of the men's bathroom. "It's in the janitor's closet in here," he explained.

"I'm not going in there," asserted Saria.

"What now?" whined Ganon.

"It's the boys' bathroom…" Saria whispered. "It's indecent for me to go in there."

There was once a time that Malon would've agreed with Saria…there was also a time when impossibly large lizards roamed Earth before having the smackdown laid on them from outer space. "Saria," she said, slowly and deliberately, as though Saria wouldn't understand any other way, "None of the events you've participated in these last couple hours have been decent. Look at him." She pointed at Drake, rather accusingly, before continuing, "Everything you've done since you met that guy has been indecent. It'd be awful hypocritical to start caring about decency now, of all times."

"I suppose you're right…" muttered the forest sage. "But it's still awkward."

Drake had an expression of restrained annoyance: he was probably used to verbal abuse. "Thanks for the inspiring pep talk, Malon, but let's get this show going. Durania, you coming with?"

"Uh-huh," grunted Durania, his mouth full of turkey jerky.

Looking rather strange all going in at the same time, the gang filed through the boys' bathroom to the janitorial closet. The girls marveled at the urinals, which they of course had never seen before, but the boys gave them no more attention than one would give a turd on the side of the road while flying down the highway at 85 mph at night in a flashy car, drinking coke, blasting classic rock, and trying to sweet talk the pretty girl in the passenger seat that you picked up at a hip nightclub into taking off her clothes and doing something outrageous. Or, at least, that's the level of attention Drake paid the urinals, but he _always _liked to think he was flying down the highway at 85 mph at night in a flashy car, drinking coke, blasting classic rock, and trying to sweet talk a pretty girl in the passenger seat that he picked up at a hip nightclub into taking off her clothes and doing something outrageous. He just thought it made life easier to live through.

And there, between a filthy mop and a conspicuously out-of-place box of nudie magazines, was a glowing purple portal. "I'll be rear guard," explained Drake. "Just in case something dangerous happens to come…from the rear. So you all head through and wait for me. It's a bit dangerous to randomly jump through portals; on one hand, you could end up in paradise with golden monkeys attending to your every need, and on the other you could find yourself in a demonic jazz competition wearing an itchy fleece sweater that you accidentally urinated on while being forced to drink sour milk."

The expression the rest of the gang shot in Drake's direction was the physical manifestation of the acronym WTF.

"Don't give me that look," Drake warned. "I'm speaking from experience, ok? Wait for me to come through, because I know the way and you'll be sorry if you try and ditch me through some random portal."

"Why would we ever want to ditch you?" asked Link with such a supreme mastery of sarcasm that an infant microorganism could've detected it.

In reply, Drake pushed him through the portal, before urging everyone else through. When everyone but him had jumped into the swirling purple circle, he used the privacy to peer into the box of nudie magazines. Liking what he saw, he picked up the entire box and finally stepped through. On the other side was a huge, vast, unimaginably big room, with identical portals lining the floor, walls, and ceilings. The room was so large the walls seemed to go on and on and on, eventually merging out of sight seemingly light-years away.

Link must've expected it; when he saw Drake holding the box he merely laughed. Saria looked at him rather distastefully but didn't say anything. Malon raised her eyebrows, and although she didn't say anything, by her look Drake felt as though he had to justify himself.

"They're for a friend of mine," Drake said meekly.

"Sure they are," replied Malon. "Because we all know you have oh-so-many friends."

"Touché, but if you must know, I intend to sell these at insanely bloated prices to desperate young teens. I don't need pornography, thank you very much, if I wanted to I could have you in my pants anytime I pleased," said Drake, matter-of-factly.

Malon had to let her laughter die down before responding. "Are you serious! I wouldn't sleep with you in a million years!"

"I didn't say anything about sleeping, baby," Drake said with a sly grin. "You know I could win you over."

"I would love to see you try," challenged Malon with a fiery look in her eyes.

Quite timidly, Ganon interjected, "Uh, guys? Could you maybe flirt and discuss sex in private? It's kind of a touchy subject for me."

Malon's whole body trembled with rage but she didn't say anything. With a curious expression on his face, Durania picked up a magazine from the box and thumbed through it.

"Human women are so strange. They're so small and fragile looking, I'd be afraid of breaking them," he said casually, as though he were critiquing a neighbor's lawn. Drake glanced at the Goron's bulging muscles, then his large gut, and chose not to argue.

Drake guided the gang in relative silence. Malon was silent but mysteriously not angry, Saria, Ganon, and Durania mumbled amongst themselves while Drake and Link were discussing their mutual hatred of the Water Temple. After a relatively short walk they arrived at a portal no different than any of the other infinite portals in the room, save for a small sticky note plastered to the floor adjacent to it, reading: HOME, Upstairs Guest Bedroom Closet.

"Here we are, home sweet home," Drake grinned. This time, however, he was the first one through. Link followed, ending up in a dark, dirty closet connected to a brighter, but no less messy bedroom. Next came Saria, then Ganon, then Durania. As Malon's hands materialized in the portal Drake politely held them and guided Malon to a relatively clean area in the closet. "There you go, ma'am."

"Very nice, Drake," she said, surprised. Then in a total change of attitude she added, "But it'll take a hell of a lot more than that to get on my good side."

"Woe is me," smiled Drake, anything but woed.

Everyone clambered out of the closet into the room. The bed was moderately large, and unmade. In the mass of folds and wrinkles in the sheets, no one could've guessed what was hiding in them. That's why it was such a shock when Zelda popped out from under the covers in nothing but her underwear.

"Hey guys!" she said enthusiastically. "So, like, what's in the box?"

Before anyone could answer her, or bitchslap her in the face (which was what everyone would've much rather preferred to do), she reached in and grabbed a heap of magazines. After briefly inspecting their contents, she went on, "This is like, some pretty good stuff. I'd so totally be horny off this if I like, wasn't so tired from spending the last, like 4 hours making love in every room of the house.

"YOU DID WHAT?" roared Drake, incredulous. "DAMMIT, WOMAN, THIS IS MY HOUSE!"

Link was laughing because he knew Drake would have to take the time to disinfect his entire house. But he couldn't help but ask: "Zelda, who, in the name of all that's holy, were you making love with?"

"Mido and Ruto," she answered almost instantaneously. "But they're like totally busy acting out one of Mido's like, fantasy things in the bathtub together."

"The master bathroom's bathtub!" asked Drake, voice trembling in fear.

"Like, yeah. Only losers would use any other bathroom but the master bathroom," she screeched, seething with arrogance.

Drake let out an unearthly howl of rage before darting out of the room while bellowing a chain of obscure cursewords. Once he left Zelda got up close to Link, stroking his stomach.

"What'd you say to maybe like, following me back to the bed?" she purred.

Link shrank back in disgust. "How about you follow yourself to hell?"

Zelda turned her attention to Malon. "So…I totally noticed you and Drake holding hands. That's like, totally hot. The two of you should like, come by and see me everyone now and then, like, to talk…and stuff."

"Shut up!" Malon hissed. She'd already ended her statement by the time she realized she made no effort to deny holding Drake's hand.

Zelda, not phased in the slightest by rejection, simply turned towards Ganon, but he wasn't there. Neither was Durania, or Saria, or even Link. They must've fled the room awfully fast while she was distracted. Not even missing a beat, she turned back to Malon and asked, "As long as we're alone in here, want to do anything?"

But to no avail. Malon was already gone.


End file.
